I was pumping gas this morning and some couple pulls up behind me and parks at a weird angle right behind me, not by the pump. I’ve been reading too many thrillers because I thought it was about to go down – I”m going to get robbed at QuikTrip. I did a quick glance around to make sure nobody was sneaking around the side of my car or pump to ambush me and I ran through my checklist of options.
Option A: Stab ’em with a pen. This is a pretty good option but it’s likely they’ll see it coming though. I quickly dismiss that option because this mofo here didn’t have a pen in his pocket. I know exactly where it is, too. In my closet, next to my pocket knife. Pens – good for writing and/or making the stabby if it’s on your person or within grabbing distance.
Option B: go all Zoolander on them and hit them with a good ol’ fashioned gasoline fight. They won’t see it coming and I can perhaps sprint away while they’re slipping on gasoline. Or light ’em on fire. Only bad thing is it’s a lot more destructive than I’d like. I guess there’d be collateral damage. More than I want to deal with on a Monday morning. Bonus points I’d show up on one of those YouTube compilations in the future. Negative points for showing up one of those YouTube compilation videos.
Option C. Stand there, say ‘hi’ and eye ’em as a well dressed lady walks up with a pamphlet in her hand. Either she’s going to sell me something or ask for a donation.
This all went through my mind in a couple of seconds.
You know what I don’t need? To talk to people at 0630 in the morning while I’m getting gas.
Despite that, I guess option C wins. I’ll talk to her.
As it turns out, I definitely need an encounter with another Jehovah’s Witness in my life. That’s pretty dedicated to get up early in the morning and look for people to spread the good word. I have enough trouble trying to wake up and not leave my backpack at home with running clothes “accidentally.” Bravo, gas station person. Although I don’t roll with Jesus I’m sure someone, somewhere, while getting gas, will see the error of their ways, and get some Jesus in their life. And gas.
Starting now, I have a new policy of not engaging people at the gas station. At least, if I had a list of policies that would be on there. Like Zombieland rules but without zombies. Or rules.
Current list of irrationally angry items: people who merge in immediately after passing you on the road, people who litter, people who don’t put up their shopping cart, and people who don’t put up their weights after using them in the gym, and talking to people before the sun is up while they’re getting gas. When I run this shit, those people are all getting exploded immediately when they commit their infraction. Or at least, have to not merge in until way later, cleaning up after everyone else, and uh…just don’t talk to strangers.
Policy of Truth (been rocking this out a bunch lately)