bonus cousin

You ever do a DNA test and end up with a secret cousin or some shit? Well if that’s the case then that makes two of us.

Cast of Characters:

LLC/LongLostCousin/5 percenter
Cousin0 – Putative Father
Cousin1 – sibling of Cousin0
Mother – mother of alleged cousin

2019 May

Back in 2019 I took a 23andme DNA test because I wanted to get the DNA info and upload it into another website to check if I was more likely to get some crazy illness and also just general health info. Luckily I had no big issues other than being obese and honestly anyone could’ve told me that without spending a $100 so that’s no big loss of monies. Seriously, why didn’t anyone tell me I’m fat? 

Anyway, I had a match! There were actually tons of matches but I matched up with some random weirdo with 5% DNA so that was cool. We messaged back and forth and were like “hey we’re family!” so I asked around and Cousin1 (not Cousin0!) said they didn’t know nothing about nothing so that was the extent of it in MAY 2019.

Also, Cousin1 told me that I messed up because the government now has our info. First of all, they been had our info. Second of all, unless you a serial killer you need not worry. Cousin1 also called me dumb (it’s true but not necessary, words hurt). Cousin1 also did not know anyone born in the 80s that we were related to from a Laotian chick. Nobody knew.


So ends May of 2019 – I’m fat, dumb, and not related to anyone.

2019 June

<Nothing major unless you consider LLC having her second baby major>
Time passing. Does time only pass if you’re alive? Or, if you’re dead, is it a thing?
2020 May

[Note, I wrote this back when shit went down]

2020 June

<Sunday> Litrlly 5 days ago – LLC reaches back out and shares her adoption papers with me.

<Monday> I ask a friend if she knew any Church of Christ Laotians and no dice.

<Thursday> I got home from work and ask Cousin1 (same cousin from 2019 MAY) tonight if they knew any older Church of Christ Laotians and Cousin1 is like ‘yes, why, you want to join?’

First of all, no.

Second of all, good point, I should’ve led with why I’m asking.

“Nah remember my 5 percent cousin? She sent me some of her adoption papers.”

Part 1

I send LLC’s redacted adoption forms to Cousin1

*sends Cousin1 adoption papers*

*1 minute later*

“Oh Shit.

I know who it is!!!

Calling you.”

Part 2

Oh my…

40 minutes later after talking Cousin1, my official cousin is talking to the 5 percenter aka unofficial cousin.

Rough outline:

  • Cousin0 got someone pregnant
  • MOTHER’s family doesn’t want anything to do with Cousin0
  • Cousin0 tried to see what’s up but they didn’t want anything to do with him
  • Laotians are pretty conservative culturally so that’s a bad thing to have a kid that young and not married (guess that’s probably all cultures)
  • I’ve sent so many screenshots to Cousin1 of LLC and my chats from 23andme

Cousin0+Cousin1 have been looking for 8-10 years for LLC

LLC was in foster care, then adopted. Doesn’t know much about her bio family. Has a half sister on 

Cousin0 is ducking excited but doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Timeline and everything else fits. His DNA test is being ordered. 

1 week later he gets the DNA test, sends it off, and we have confirmation two weeks later- welcome to the family, officially!

I congratulated Cousin0 on being a father and he told me to shut up ’cause he already has kids. Yeah that’s cool but what about your new kid?