mindful jerk


I’ve been meditating pretty regularly now. Like, 1-5 minutes a day so nothing outrageous like 2 hours but it’s a work in progress. I’m not enlightened or anything but it’ll happen any day now. I feel it. But what I am is more aware now. Particularly when I’m being a jerk. It’s a practically a daily occurrence now where

1) I’m being an ass
2) I’m mindful of being an ass
3) I roll with it

I will feel slightly bad but like, mostly not. 4:96 ratio.

However, I feel more bad about not actually feeling bad and that breaks my brain. And to think I used to believe I had no feelings.

See? Mindfulness is great – mindfully being a jerk. Can’t recommend it enough.

There’s also being grateful.

One of the meditation courses I listened to gave you some exercises about being grateful. You work through and damn, I’ve a lot to be grateful for: reasonably healthy, living in America and not The Motherland, I’ve got a job, and family that (ostensibly) cares about me – I don’t see them or talk to them but I’ll assume that’s true. I don’t wake up singing their praises or anything but I do look at my life and think “dude, it’s not bad at all.”

Still, I’m probably more ungrateful than I am grateful. Say, 60:40 split? 70:30?!I took care of something for my mom the other day and she told me “thank you” and I’m like “uhhhhhhhhhh” ‘cause I like to think that it’s my duty to handle that and I feel she shouldn’t have to thank me. Which is nice (grateful) because the opposite would certainly be worse, her just taking me for granted and assuming it’ll happen. Maybe I kind of prefer that instead. I don’t want to be acknowledged for that. Or lots of things I guess. Then I felt guilty about that and shit, maybe I just ain’t appreciative of anything.

Anyway, I can see me thinking about that forever or until I die. Which might be tomorrow if there’s an asteroid floating around in space like the one from Armageddon or Deep Impact about to strike fear into our hearts and litrly into our heads.

I reckon I’d get to the same conclusion of no-conclusion, whether I spend a day or 10,958 days (~30 years) thinking about it.

So how about this – I’m grateful for family, friends (you people), and I guess, life. Just being aware of things is a trip if you think about it. If you want your prize for being in my life, message me, and I’ll mail it out tomorrow.

I’m on my way to the post office right now.