I got home from the gym tonight and said to myself “let’s do some yoga. HELL YES.” I rolled out the yoga mat, fired up the TV and sonofabitch, I can’t find the yoga DVD I bought from Wal-Mart two years ago. No big deal, there are free yoga classes online. While I’m waiting the 27 seconds for my computer to fire up – that’s the average start time from power button to INTERNETS (yes, I timed it – repeatedly), I grabbed a beer because that’s what you drink after going to the gym and I proceed to forget about The Yoga (FLAME).

That was over two hours ago and the mat is going to stay out there until I find my DVD but that’s difficult to do when:

1. finding the DVD requires looking for the DVD
2. I go to the fridge to grab another beer
3. Instead of going to the Entertainment Wing (read: closet five feet away with a box of DVDs) to perform a search and rescue of the DVD

Now, I don’t think this is how you do yoga but I haven’t actually watched the DVD yet so I don’t really know, do I? Yoga could be sitting down on a mat and drinking beer. I like yoga.

So, because it’s Thanksgiving and some friends are saying how thankful they are that there are certain people or things in their lives or, sometimes, that certain people or things aren’t in their lives, I’d like to take some time to talk about friends and friendship and how I’m thankful that you’re in my life. But only in a nebulous way, though. When conversation gets too personal I get all weirded out and shit because I have trouble acknowledging that, yes, I have feelings and that I don’t know how to react to that. I’m quite awkward, really. If we’ve ever interacted and you’ve ever felt a little uncomfortable or had that feeling of “uh…wtf was that BEE?!” then please know that it’s not you, it’s me. Yet we’re still friends (…or Facebook friends since at least 1/3 of the people on my FB friends list I have never met except online through GORUCK. HAIL GORUCK!) and I’m thankful for that. Really.

Friends and friendship.

I think I rank fairly low on the Friendship Maintenance Scale™. If, say, one of my good friends decided to follow his/her dream and cease all communication with me for 30 years and we reconnected later. I wouldn’t be offended or upset (well, maybe this means I’m a gigantic asshole and I’m not a good friend?) but I think we could pick up wherever we left off. Actually, I don’t know if that makes me a good friend (maybe it makes me a gigantic asshole AKA you) but I think most of you are good friends and I’m thankful for that. Some of you are gigantic assholes and I suppose I’m thankful for that as well. We need balance in life.

Really, thanks for putting up with my #notacult GORUCK and when I disappear for months at a time or can’t hang out because #GORUCKS #CULTY #NOTCULTISH. Do know that I’m coming back to bother the shit out of you whenever there’s something going on now because I’m taking a break from GORUCK. Don’t worry, GORUCK, it’s exactly like when Ross and Rachel took a break on Friends so it’s not really cheating if I do another event that’s not GORUCK because “we were on a break,” you know?

Maybe I’m not a good friend to some of you (please fill out this questionnaire and let me know how I can improve) and if I see you this holiday season, you may be thankful that GORUCK took me out of your lives for a bit. Hopefully though, lots of you will be happy to see me around as that jerkface Friend. Probably not but whatever, you’re the asshole. Except Maryann because she reads my blogs…allegedly™.

Sidenote: GORUCK made me start hugging people so it’s all hugs from here on out. You have been warned. Yes, this applies even if people don’t read my blog. Which are most of my alleged™ friends.

Yoga essentials