I know I always paint myself as an all-around awesome dude with no faults except cardio and PT but I’ve been lying to you. I’m not awesome. Well, not that awesome at any rate. There are many, many reasons why I’m not awesome but the most recent example of this is that I’ve been flaky.
Here’s the deal: if I’ve cursed you with my friendship, I will disappoint you. Hell, if you’re one of my ten readers then I’m willing to bet you’re disappointed right now. That’s the nature of Bee Yang – disappointment.
So back to FlakyBee™ I was supposed to go watch the footballs and I said I would and then didn’t. I was slightly hungover – not enough to not do anything but the idea of going out that day just wasn’t a thing I wanted to do so I didn’t. Flakes flake.
Friends classification. GORUCK friends. College friends. UPS friends. Work friends. School friends.
I’ve had people get mad at me for introducing them with a qualification. Maybe “mad” is the wrong word. Perhaps “annoyed” is more appropriate. But that’s how I’ve always done it and that’s how I organize things in my head. That is
likely not changing.
Over the last couple of months that’s kind of played itself out.
some lots and lots and lots of ego, stubbornness, and pride involved.
If I lose friendships over it, well that’s how it works. It’s not fine but that’s life. I don’t know if that’s me being an asshole, not valuing friendship or “friendship” as the case may be, or just being conveniently accepting that things end and nothing is permament.
All friendships are good. Some are more good for a longer period of time. Minutes, hours, day, months, and if you’re lucky, years. Or maybe unlucky as concerns our friendship. Whatever, impermanence is a always there and if we separate, we separate. But that door is always open if our paths cross. Which is unlikely ’cause I’m a hermit unless it’s traveling to do the GORUCKs.
That’s a lot of words to say “I’m sorry” and I am – at some level. WTF kind of half-assed apology is that? Is it even an apology? Can I really be sorry if I’m not changing? I doubt it. I’ve been the same since pretty much forever and I can’t say if I’ve ever experienced massive personal growth but with meditation, I can get some insight and self-awareness.
That self-awareness tells me I’m a giant asshole and hell, we’re just dipping our toes into the self-awareness game.